Self Diagnosing

Symptoms:

I know a boy who is a schizophrenic, I think I might be one too.

With my vacant facial expressions, and the way I walk, I'm a schizophrenic.

But the way my hair falls out says I'm an anorexic; the way I can't handle the cold says it too.

A girl once told me that if I ever wanted to spot a drug addict, I should look for "red eyes and poor memory," and I've got both of those.

My constant headaches and the way my eyes refuse to properly work is a sure sign that I've got a brain tumor.

The way my throat makes it hard to swallow as soon as I'm about to say something important means that I've always got a cold.

And the way I can't smile without thinking about it first definitely means I'm depressed.

Illness:

I am a depressed anorexic on drugs suffering schizophrenia who has a brain tumor and is constantly dealing with the common cold. 

Medication:

• One tablespoon Lortab (to numb the pain a little)
• A little of the antipyschotic drugs to counteract the schizophrenia
• 3 tylenols 
• 2 Cymbalta pills
• a cheesburger
• a slap in the face (so I'll stop being a drug addict)
• 8 hours of sleep 
• 4 hours of socialization 

*I highly recommend self diagnosing, it is easy and always 100% accurate.